The Manner in Which we Gather Matters

I have been leading worship at different capacities and churches for a number of years.  I am still young on the scene but old enough and learned enough to know that when I prepare for, rehearse with people, and lead worship that I am entering into a pastoral duty and privilege.  This is a privilege my heart does not take lightly and one that I have spent time earning the respect of those around me to hold.  Each community I have been with has given me a unique glimpse of how God’s people are seeking to participate in congregational worship.

When we gather together for worship, we are not just gathering to sing songs and listen to the preacher.   We have the opportunity to collectively embrace each other’s joys and pains and lift them together to God through prayer, Scripture, meditation, song, visual art, spoken word, silence, and gathering at the table.  The manner in which we gather matters.  Some may argue that the order and praxis of what we do in worship is nominal as long as we “feel” the presence of God.  Worship Leader/minister/pastor/director, hear these words:  The care and practice your pastor puts into sermon preparation should be reflected by the same care and preparation of how we lead the congregation into the presence of our holy God. 

The average person’s theology is reflected by their church “musicology” or “hymnology”.  Are you balancing the amount of songs that reflect “I want God to know this” with a healthy dose of songs that reflect “this is what God has done and who he is”?  We can all agree that God is good but are we also using language that teaches why God is good?  Are we adding elements to our worship for the sake of being ‘relevant’?  Or are we adding elements that have been prayed through to inspire, and help people connect with God where they are at.  Is every Sunday a worship celebration that leaves no space to wrestle with the hurt and questions of the world?  How do we hear God when there is no volume left to hear my neighbor sing or support them in the recognition that this week they are unable to use their voice?  Is every Sunday reminiscent of years gone past with no room for a jumping heart to soak in the new work that God is doing daily?  We lead communities that are filled with diverse struggles and joys that need to be heard.  Our churches will not be the same as the people who fill them are not the same.  If we as leaders move from one congregation to another, the message we share will not always fill the same formula.  Are we allowing our leadership to reflect the communities God has brought us to in a way that helps them walk with God in their own language?  Are we avoiding  stretching ourselves and our congregants to use variety in our musical style and use of ‘liturgical’ or ‘non-liturgical’ elements for fear of not being contemporary or traditional enough? 

Train yourself well, be mindful to listen to those who have led before you, and don’t disregard the hearts of your people.  Their hearts are tender, and open to God’s provision.  God’s agenda is the only agenda that should be impressed upon them.  Your preparation and prayerful planning matters. 

Here's My Heart

The past few months have been a season of waiting and anticipation, and I'm not even talking about Christmas.  I have always considered myself an individual whose faith is directed more from the heart than from my head.  Despite this natural tendency, I find myself a methodical individual who struggles with ambiguity and maneuvering the unknowns in life.  Three or four months ago I could feel my spirit shifting, bumping against my ministry planning, and creating an internal anxiety that I could not describe.  There was no implicit reason for it.  The music ministry I lead was going well, I enjoyed my full-time job, and there were no obvious reasons to be unsettled in spirit.  God was at work and not knowing what was being worked on was incredibly difficult for me.

Without being a post that has become a personal journal I want to share that sometimes....I don't get how God works.  I love how God works.  But I don't always get it.

We have a God whose plans are bigger than our own.  He directs us where we need to be even when we don't realize it.  That has happened a number of times for me in life and it would stand for reason that I would pick up on it more regularly.  However, me being the human I am, has a knack for forgetting that God really is the one in control.  I am not in control.  I make decisions.  God is the one with the road map.

I have recently found myself coming up to my last Sunday serving at my current church whom I love dearly and preparing for a new ministry, at a new church, with new people.  Nobody drove me away, nobody called me out of the blue.  The spirit prompted and after wandering in my short period of the unknown I knew that this was the right decision.  It was not the easiest decision but amidst my emotions being all over the board, my spirit feels at peace.  Yes, I am nervous to continue to a new church but who doesn't get nervous starting something new?

I wonder sometimes if the sense of peace that transcends when entering into new territory is the same peace that was felt by those who have gone before.  Did Hannah have peace amidst her anxiety of giving her first child Samuel to be a priest?  Did Mary have peace amidst the unknown outcome of carrying Jesus?  Did Paul have peace amidst not knowing if his next location to preach the gospel would allow him to live?  I do take comfort in knowing that our scripture records the stories of men and women of faith that trusted God.  There hearts had become devoted to living lives that trusted the path that was laid before them and may not have always understood how God was working in their lives.  No matter what the unknown is before us whether it seems trivial or significant, God will always being working and guiding through it all. 

Near the beginning of my own journey this fall, I encountered a song that spoke to me in a significant way. Song: Here's My Heart It was so significant for me that I bought a heart necklace for myself as a reminder of how God has my heart.  Naturally, it broke as it was a cheap necklace and I have kept my eyes open for something that might work.  I had yet to find one until I was given a parting gift from my church.  It is a beautiful heart necklace that is perfect.  In so many ways, perfect.  It was not a major life decision but it was a confirmation that God was working through multiple people as I journey forward through my own life decisions.

Life Lessons from a cat

I'm  not really quite sure why it was thought of as a good idea that I have a cat but when my sister called and told me the sad tale of the stray that wouldn't leave her house; I couldn't really say no.  Best and worst decision ever.  I now have the obligation of responsibility for another creature in my home.  I now have somebody that needs me every day.  I now have someone who throws her fur up my nose every night.  She's a bit of a diva and loves her canned kitty food along with sitting on any piece off furniture that suits her mood.  Especially my favorite chair.  If you sit in it, you now get a little look of disdain thrown your way. 
Despite our silent chair dispute, we get along quite well, too well.  It's only been three weeks and she understands what I often forget.  It's okay to love and let others love you.  Typically I'm okay with the loving something/someone else piece.  It's the letting others love that I struggle with.  She has forced herself into my world with kitty nudges and purring.  She is incessant and refuses to be ignored when I need some love.  It's a two way relationship.  I pet her, she nudges me, I scratch her, she gives me a tummy massage, etc., etc. And when I come home not realizing that I need some love, she's right at my heels waiting for me to sit or lay down so she can shower me with kitty kisses and her love rumble. 


The snuggling culprit in action as I type

Why is any of this significant you ask?  It's a pet, woohoo.  As a single adult I forget the importance of letting people love and take care of me.  Especially when I don't think I need it.  Day in and day out you do everything by yourself.  If you don't take care of something, it's not going to magically happen on it's own.  I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that I'm not the only one who forgets.  It is much too easy to go through life enjoying people, enjoying their company, and not really allowing them to see you as a vulnerable person, that state of being where one really needs someone else.  Vulnerability is a daunting word that in a society where we run in and out of church on Sunday, gather at meetings, rush to get home, go back and forth to work, and over schedule our lives, we don't give it an opportunity to even emerge because it takes time.  It takes time to intentionally be with people.  It takes time to sit and listen to a God who has the time to listen to our vulnerability.  It takes time to let others understand oneself.  It takes time to cultivate the trust of kitty kisses.   I don't know what the equivalent is in human terms.  Maybe it's hugs.

Gift Giving

This Christmas season I'll admit I have been amongst those who really just want to make it through the season and hope that somewhere along the way I will take time to breathe and reflect on Christ's birth in a meaningful way.  I love the Advent season that rolls into Christmas.  The anticipation of celebration, the reunion of family, the familiar sights and smells that bring a comfort of home are all elements that bring me joy.  Sometimes, I become so wrapped up within the season that I don't take time to enjoy the season. 

One thought struck me this season as I drove home from celebrating with my family was the joy of gift giving.  As adults, we can use a refresher in gift giving from children.  Naturally in our commercial driven and over saturated culture, gift giving has become to some, obligatory, a burden, and an expectation.  I personally like taking the little time I have to wander to different stores and search for an item that the recipient will open, not expect, and make them feel loved.  The excitement or pleasure of finding the perfect gift is often reflected in the story of "The Gift of the Magi" this time of year.  This year, in my own celebrations of Christmas, it was reflected in receiving gifts from children.  Items ranging from a tissue box crafted into a "memory box" for keepsakes, a cookie plate, a smiley face pencil, specially decorated cookies, a fuzzy puppy with a pink scarf, and even a bug ring were given with such excitement and pride to be able to share in the art of gift giving.  I know that each item was selected by the kids as fore-warned by each parent to emphasize the skill of selection of their children.  And while I love each token gift dearly, I was most appreciative of the excitement in giving.  From the somewhat understandable "present" from a small child as he pulls the gift out of his mothers hand to the "open mine first" as a gift is placed in my lap, it made me more excited to open it when they were just as excited to give. Kids have got it down. "If I'm excited...you're excited!"

If a child can be so excited to select a small token out of love to share, how much more excited must our Father in Heaven have been to share His gift of love through the form of a Child.  The perfect gift for humanity carefully chosen to come and be amongst the people of earth to show compassion, love, teach forgiveness, and to repair the chasm separating humanity from God through the resurrection.  How can we not be excited about that?!  At Christmas we come together and celebrate the birth of Christ.  At Christmas, how God must be pleased that we take time to recognize the beautiful gift given to us through Scripture, readings, and song.  At Christmas, may we not forget to be excited to help others recognize the gift of Salvation through Christ so they may embrace the joy of receiving Gods love.

Leading without a voice

I lost my voice last week.  This hasn't happened to me in years.  It was a byproduct of one of he worst colds I have ever encountered which kept me home from work all week. I couldn't talk or sing, it was debilitating, frustrating, and eye opening.  I talk a lot.  Talking is required of me at work, at church, and even in my home.  Apparently I find it necessary to remind the microwave that "I already heard it beep".  It never listens. 

 I also lead with my voice.  I share, give direction, and teach during rehearsals in preparation to lead worship.  Kind of hard to do when it's gone.  I learned a lesson in leading without my voice.  One of my personal goals in my music ministry is to have it less dependent on me.  I want to find ways to push my leaders to grow and come out of there comfort zones.  Not having a voice this past week pushed some of my leaders and myself to realize how much they depend on my vocal cues.  Without my voice they had to know where they were going musically and do it with confidence.  In the realization that I wasn't there to keep them on track, they stepped up to the plate, learned, and worked harder.  This week I came to rehearsal with most of my voice and I didn't need it.  The drive to know our music better was higher and driven by a desire to lead our congregation better.  Whether my voice was there or not.  God has blessed me with great musicians.

I don't always need my voice to lead.  Losing it reminded me the importance of stepping back to help others gain confidence, and to remind myself of one of my ministry goals.  It seems like a simple solution but it is easy to lose sight of when you're constantly trying to do better, come up with new music, and always seem to run out of time to do it in.  Unlike my microwave, my musicians listen (whether I have a voice or not).  They listen to me and they listen to each other.  The latter is what makes them stronger and more able to be less dependent on me.  I hope They know they are needed, wanted, prayed for and loved.  Especially from their music leader with no voice.

When I go to church, I desire to worship God

I went to a Community Church this Sunday.   I drive by it all the time and thought I’d check it out by going to their second service.  It was okay.  It is the random holiday Sundays where I need to remind myself that you can’t really judge a church by one Sunday and yet...can you?  

I walked in, not greeted by anyone and asked a gentleman who looked like an usher where I could find a bulletin.  There were not so many people there that it wasn’t obvious I was a visitor.  I sat down in a row by myself and felt a bit like the plague because two rows in front of me and two rows behind me people had sat.  There was even more people who sat on the side aisle.  The senior pastor was very sweet and talked to me a bit before the service started and tried to introduce me to someone else who looked my age.  

The service was basically the most patriotic service I have ever been to.  It’s not as though I haven’t sung patriotic hymns but I don’t recollect them ever being the starting and cap of worship.  We opened with America the Beautiful, had an awkward announcement about VBS, and went right back into a couple worship songs in keys that were not congregationally friendly (at least, in my opinion).  Following the opening songs was a prayer, offering, and a video ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-0CBP0NVeo) which transitioned into a sermon by the associate pastor that was half history lesson on the birth of America and how everyone who signed the declaration of independence was Christian and half on Matthew 6:25-34.  The half about Matthew I didn’t completely agree with as I don’t believe that my faith exempts me from anxiety and fear but rather allows me hope and faith that God is more interested in giving strength to handle the torments that sin has leashed into our world.  The sermon was thus ended by somehow having us repeat that we are “King people”.  I am not a king.  I am a child of God.  I am a part of God’s Kingdom.  I understood the preacher's metaphor but had a difficult time embracing the language.  I’m not really quite sure how everything tied together but it may have had more to do with the other scripture references from the New Testament he continued to weave together.  This was all done while dressed in full military regalia (and please don’t get me wrong.  I am not anti-military.  I have a huge respect for those who serve and have served our country.  I am all for being patriotic, in the proper setting.) and with a  sound system that was way too loud for for the size of room.  I found myself plugging one of my ears half way through the sermon.  

The service was finished off by quickly and abruptly transitioning into communion, and closing with “Mine eyes have seen the Glory”.  Nothing says God loves you after sharing communion like singing about the wrath of God barrelling through the countryside.  I talked to a couple people shortly after service and left.  I wasn’t really quite sure what happened but I did not feel as though I had the opportunity to be ushered into God’s presence as a community, be awed by scripture, or have the time to dwell in the peace of the spirit.  Nope.  

I hate being critical because one of the beautiful things of having so many churches is that it allows people to worship God in various ways that speaks more closely to their hearts.  And yet, it didn’t feel like worship.   It was so woven into political/historical/non-biblical propaganda that it completely turned me off.  

My brief conclusion?  When I go to church, I wish to worship God.  I will pray for our nation, those who serve, and for other nations.  I will give respect where respect is due.  I do not desire to worship my country and hail it above everything else because that is an act reserved for God.

Let someone know they are a Big Mario

I had a birthday this week.  Celebrating birthdays is a beautiful thing and I have no problem celebrating the upward progression of the lives of my family and friends.  In fact, I quite enjoy it.  This year I came to a realization...that amidst the hoopla that may or may not come on one's birthday, I'd rather just know that someone genuinely cares or has taken a minute to think about me.  It may sound selfish or even a bit egocentric, but one must admit, I'm assuming everyone has thought this at one point in life whether it is a birthday or just plain ol' Hump Day! (insert camel here).  

It comes in various forms: the ridiculously long text message that should have been an e-mail, the phone-call from someone you may not have expected, the "Happy Birthday" before your birthday appears on Facebook, and even Face-Time with people you love.  My heart swells when those I care about, care about me.  It is akin to the moment when Little Mario jumps on a magical mushroom and is Big Mario until reality strikes and he runs into rather than on top of the danger disguised as a squishy blob with feet.  

My conclusion to this little bit of revelation in my mind?  Take the time to think about someone else...and let them know you did.  We all deserve to swell into Big Mario on occasion.

Identity Complex

This previous week a discussion arose in the media over  the popular modern hymn "In Christ Alone".  I first became aware of the public discussion due to a post from the EFCA on my facebook feed.  It took me by surprise and I found myself mulling over how and why their response to the issue came across in a such a negative light.  The discussion was one that had already been started between myself and my pastor earlier this spring.  At first, the fact that we even had the discussion, which centered on the text of the lyrics, bothered me. How can I serve in ministry with someone or a denomination that questions the text of a hymn heralded for its theological content?  I'm so glad we had the discussion.  I work in an honest environment that gives me the space to live out respectfully my faith and not feel out of place.  See my pastor's response to the public discussion here.

Still feeling pretty new to the PCUSA, I tend to chew on some of the differences that come across my path and run them through the gammit of evangelical litmus I have always known.  The fun part is running the litmus on my own, and not feeling like the black sheep for having a different view.  I appreciate being a part of a church that allows discussion of differences and doesn't get hung up over them.

So where does my identity complex come from?  On occasion, I have vocalized that I am a product of the Evangelical Free Church.  I speak it in jest, yet from age 12 I have been taught, mentored, encouraged, and still am by faithful men and women who align themselves with the EFCA.  It is a beautiful thing because I know my faith would not be as strong without the saints God has placed in my life.  And thus, after worshiping, earning my bachelors, interning, and serving with the EFCA, my first "real job" in music ministry has placed me in a Presbyterian Church.  I'm sure this decision has given me a couple skeptics, and it definitely has placed a few "really?" glances when I tell others where I get to serve in ministry.  It's a bit disorienting.   I'm not a traitor.  I haven't gone over to the dark side.  I love Jesus.  The ultimate act of love from God is the death and resurrection of Christ on the cross which is the only way for the broken relationship caused by sin to be restored.

I can't say I'm wholly Evangelical.  I can't say I'm wholly Presbyterian.  These are labels that define where I serve but not who I am.  I am a disciple of Christ who strives to be open to God's direction through the Holy Spirit and desires to encourage the local church to seek God in a way that allows them to impact the world.

Feeling Humbled

Today I met with a group of amazing people.  It consisted of a handful of our church leaders, the team that is supporting us from the presbytery as the church grows and develops, and our very own friends group.  I had never met with all these people in one room before.  I hadn't met some of them prior to this afternoon.  In fact, I didn't even realize how many people outside our congregation have been involved in getting us started. Simply put, it is beautiful. There are so many moving pieces, ideas, prayers, and hands pushing forward God's Kingdom.  And guess what....I get to be a part of it!

What has humbled me most is that while I plug away, pray, and try to figure out what my next steps are as a music ministry leader, there is a group of people that believe in me, and seem to have no doubt that I am in the right place and headed in the right direction.  A blatant expression of appreciation took me aback as this past week I struggled with my own insecurity of feeling inadequate in my position.  

I am once again reminded that pursuing life on God's terms and not my own will supercede the traps that Satan plays with.  My music, ministry, and life are part of something much bigger than myself.  I am a part of the church.  The local church, and the universal church.  While that thought is part of what is daunting and causes me to cross-check my ministry at all turns, it is also the thought that gives me encouragement.  To be a part of something so much larger than myself is beautiful; and it is comforting. 

 

Good Stock

This upcoming weekend my family is celebrating Thanksgiving.  Sure, it's a few weeks ahead of time however, it is a day where a majority of us can be together.  Seeing family is always a good thing and yet, it is not always easy.  We live apart from each other, talk on the phone, send the yearly Christmas card, but there is nothing like have that face to face interaction.  As I was thinking about this weekend I thought to myself "I'm thankful that my mom is willing to call people, prepare food, and plan a day for us to be together".  ( I really did think that)  And then, my thought process continued....

My mom is really great.  

Not just pat on the back great but squish your guts out bear hug great.  She is a woman who has exampled Godly womanhood to me in many ways throughout my entire life.  I have witnessed this woman have such a sensitive heart for her children, family, friends that I am constantly amazed at how she keeps track of the people she cares about.  Her joy and giddiness towards life is contagious and has resulted in much laughter.  She loves and has a beautiful reverence for our Lord.  She is always learning and yet she has so much to share.  I love watching the relationship between my parents continue to grow after 45 years of marriage.  She loves my dad and my dad loves and adores her.  They really are just cute. (almost fuzzy kitty cute)  Mom has taught me how to iron, sew, cook, embrace the odd moments of life, respect others, be joyful, be passionate about what I believe in, to love, and among many others out of an incredibly long list, how to pray.  She is a praying woman.  I believe she does it all day long.

Congratulations Mom!  You're beautiful!

She is a hardworking dedicated and determined woman who has finally retired from working.  I am proud of her for stamina, amazing ability to have patience with multiple people, ability to learn new computer things even when it frustrates her, and for being a Godly woman in the workplace.  Now she can embark on a new season of life and continue to show the world who God has created her to be.  That's my mom.  She really is great.  I'm praying some of her good stock will continue to rub off on me.

And why am I surprised?

It is a constant amazement to me just how remarkable God is.  Just when you think you know what you're doing, he has a way of giving you a new perspective that reminds you of how omniscient (all knowing) the Lord truly is.  Sure it may seem like an obvious statement but how often do we stumble through life waiting for God to pick up our pieces just to forget how we were held in his almighty hand the moment life smoothed out.  My current goal is to never forget what a stronghold in my life my God is.

I am currently blessed to have embarked on a new adventure in my life as the music leader at Chain of Lakes Presbyterian Church.  It has only been a month and I am still so excited and honored to have the opportunity to plan, lead, and participate in worship with this growing congregation.  They are beautiful people and I want them to grow in the knowledge of the love and mercy of our holy God.  I'll admit that by now I thought maybe the "oh no...what am I doing?" thought process would kick in.  Alas, it has not and this is a sign for me that the initial excitement I felt for this opportunity was from God and not human desires.

This is a decision and new direction for me that without God's direction I would never have been prepared for.  The past year or so of my life has served as a grounds for preparation in multiple ways that I will eventually write about.  But I can leave you with this.  Listen to God's voice.  The small one inside that sometimes makes you think you're a bit crazy, the one that becomes more distinct when you ask others to pray for wisdom, the one that continues to echo in your mind when you are trying to distinguish it between your own and the Lord's.  It will not always lead you on a path that you have mapped out.  It will lead you on the path where God's hand is the only one you can hold on to.

Rock Star Wanna Be

I love the craziness of a church filled with kids for VBS.  Or basically any other time you get a large group of kids together.  I tend to love the craziness because I admit, it allows me to be a bit crazier and sillier than the responsible adult me is supposed to be when I go to work and sit at my desk to shuffle papers all day.  This week it has allowed me to dress like a wanna- be 80's rockstar and encourage about 50 or so k-5th graders to sing awesome fun songs about Jesus.  It also makes me feel a little bit like Richard Simmons..."the whole jumping around for 4 minutes and encouraging the people in front of you bit".
And even though I love the craziness, there is only one thing that spurs me to do it and feel like it's "okay".  It is the fact of knowing it is done so that all those little smiling faces I see sitting in front of me have an opportunity to be someplace fun where they can learn about how much Jesus loves them.  That really is it.  My role of getting kids excited and singing is only one out of the many of people who teach through crafts, snacks, games, and stories.  Non-stop tangible lessons about Christ for 2 hours!  It's amazing.

So I will jump in my heels, tell them Jesus loves them, give them hugs and let them think I'm a rock star wanna be...all in the name of Jesus.  If only this was my real job...I could wear really big hair.

Mr. Perfect

Any of my friends who have had worship pastor discussions with me know that I may be becoming a bit more cynical than I used to be in regards to what churches call worship pastors/ministers/leaders etc...  Today I came across a posting that made me laugh.  I'm not laughing at the church because I sincerely believe that they are trying to find the right man for the pastoral position they are seeking.  Instead it is directed towards what our contemporary christian culture has done to the position we call pastor and what it has impressed as the necessary qualifications to lead God's people into worship through music.  

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Here at (insert contemporary church name here) we have an extremely friendly and generous congregation of 450. We have several well trained and talented vocalists and instrumentalists that comprise full rhythm sections and an underused brass section. What we need is a center piece Kennaniah type Worship Pastor that we can build around. Please see description below;

Male, Vocalist (Baritone – Tenor) Pianist and or Guitarist 
Married (ideal) Single is ok. We’ve got women here. 
Good leadership, people and music skills (Clifton Strength Finders)
Calm and Confident but not Cocky
Experienced but Teachable 
Musically skillful and sensitive to The Spirit but not flaky or hyper spiritual.
Passionate, pragmatic and practical in life and ministry
Maturity beyond their years if in early to mid 20’s. 
A presence that captures the room that others would miss if it wasn’t there
Able to see the whole picture and inspire all ages, because everyone matters
Able to blend the vertical with the horizontal and older with contemporary
Able to target the 30-60 something age range(teens and twenties are important too but are transient) 
Able to lead worship unplugged by yourself without power point or electricity 
Able to organize, schedule and lead others while working within the Lead Pastor’s direction and desires
Able to model and mentor music ministry and develop others in that too
Able to remember that we have an audience of one in room of 500 
Able to get others to realize that too
Believes faith and funk and holiness and harmony goes together
Is far sighted, thick skinned and has soft hands (if you have those you’ll understand what I mean)
Has a good sense of humor (absolutely necessary to work here)
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It makes me want to send them a Ken Doll with a modern male worship leaders name plastered across the front of the package with a note saying "I'm sorry if my hands aren't soft enough".    Either that or send them my resume so I can be one of the available women he can pick from to marry if he happens to be single.

Oh My Soul

Like sunshine on a fading face, the word of the Lord gives life to my soul.

Verse two of one of my favorite hymns is a comfort.  A comforting reminder of how steadfast, sovereign, loving, patient, and powerful God really is, has been, and will be.  It is a beautiful thing when one's soul is at rest in the Lord.  Nothing else matters, only the reflection of Christ and the fire that burns within, the fire that is kindled by knowing my Saviour is on my side.

Be Still My Soul (Finlandia)   

text: Katharina von Schlegel  music: Jean Sibelius

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake


To guide the future, as He has the past.


Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;


All now mysterious shall be bright at last.


Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know


His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Looking for the right team

I am in the process of pursuing a career in music ministry.  Admittedly it is a unique adventure and can be gratifying and frustrating at the same time.  There is a bit of excitement when a church actually chooses to respond to your resume whether it is positive or negative.  It's always nice to know that there are still some organizations out there willing to take the time to tell you you're not what they are looking for.  It is frustrating to send out resumes and not hear anything back.  I would expect that behavior in the public, corporate side of the job search; it is disheartening when it is coming (or not coming) from churches.  The amount of time I have spent looking through ministry websites for positions labeled 'worship pastor' 'music director', 'worship arts director', 'worship leader', etc...sometimes seems fruitless.  Not because there aren't any positions out there but rather trying to decipher what they are "really" looking for becomes a bit of a game.  

What I have discovered is that a church listed as Evangelical, Community, Baptist, and a handful of others falls into the category of "we want an established guy who plays the guitar and loves God to keep our church relevant".  This is especially true if they are north of the Mason Dixon Line.  Churches in these same categories that are on the West Coast are looking for "an established guy who plays the guitar, loves Jesus, and is comfortable with diverse communities while still maintaining to keep the church as relevant as it was when it started up seven years ago."  Move this category to the East Coast and they are not afraid to embrace a bit of their heritage and explore ways to respect the worship traditions that have already been formed and take the time to seek out ways to breathe new life into their worshiping community.    

Churches listed as Presbyterian, Methodist, or Episcopalian have a tendency to have a different focus whether they are located in Florida, or Nebraska.  I find that the typical postings seen from this group are more focused towards a 'classically trained' individual.  Not only do they look for a different musical skill set, they are more direct on what they are looking for as a minister.  Either they are looking strictly for a musician (pianist, organist, choir director), or they become more detailed and essentially describe a pastor who uses music as a tool. 

One of the aspects I find even more intriguing about this venture is that the second group while being more definitive in their position descriptions for a worship minister or pastor, are also more likely to hire a woman in a pastoral role.   It is a bit of a complex for me as someone who considers myself on the conservative evangelical side of the fence to be a woman that isn't really accepted in a tradition she is familiar with (even if they say it doesn't matter, it does in their world). 

I do realize that this may be a bit of a generalization in the world of "worship pastors" but there is some truth to it.  If you've looked at a handful of what is out there you will realize that it is the reality.  Big picture for someone like me boils down to three strikes in my own game: being single, being female, being evangelical.  They don't add up to a career in ministry.  What they do add up to is the perfect volunteer that any church would love to have around because you are capable, skilled, willing, and a Godly woman.  If those three strikes are only foul balls in someone else's game, I'd like to know how you're managing to stay on the field. 

Sometimes

Sometimes....God has a funny way of speaking.
Sometimes...God doesn't let you forget what you loved in the first place.
Sometimes...God lets you sit in unbearable silence.
Sometimes...you realize it isn't silence.
Sometimes...it is easier to think about what you "should" or "could" be doing
Sometimes...it is better to think about what you are doing
Sometimes...you realize that it really is all about Christ.
In all things.  It is about Christ.

free of inhibition

I've had a lot of time to think lately.  while I'm in the car, when I'm home from work, when I should be going to bed rather than mulling over the secrets of the universe in my mind.  Someday I might figure them out.  One of the things that has continued to come back to mind was a Sunday morning I spent with my niece this past spring.
She is 6 and a true girl through and through.  The world is pink and is ruled by cuteness and cupcakes.  We had a special weekend, just the two of us.  I don't know what her favorite part of the weekend was but I know what mine was.  We had a bit of a lazy Sunday morning before going to church and while eating our pancakes, and after teaching my beanie babies a ballet lesson, she pops the question.  I don't know if she had been mulling it over or if it was spontaneous but my heart leaped when she asked me, "Why do people raise their hands in church?"  My response, stripped of all the reasons that were running through my mind, "because it's a way that you can praise Jesus".  She accepted that and continued with her pancakes.  No discussion needed.
We drove to church, sat in the back (mostly because I hadn't sat through church with my niece before and didn't know if she would be fine without childrens church)  She proved me wrong.  In fact, I re-learned something that morning.  Just praise Jesus.  He is all that matters.  We had song some songs, prayed, listened to announcements, and then there was one more song before the sermon.  It wasn't a song where you jump around and have a happy Jesus party but rather one that was good to sing just sitting down.  I don't remember it exactly but it was one of the oldie but goodies because it doesn't get pulled out too often.  We sat there with everyone else and sang.  She sat on my lap.  She raised her hands.  No one else was, at first.  There was my niece, sitting on my lap, praising Jesus.
I have to admit that maybe I'm getting more sentimental the older I get but the purity of just praising Jesus hit me that morning through my niece.  I pray that she continues to grow into a godly woman who continues to praise Jesus.  I pray that she doesn't allow all the what if's, doubt, distractions, and traps that Satan lays out there to taint the relationship that has started to grow between her and her Jesus.

Give Me Jesus

God's love is not Blind

I got in my car this morning, turned on the radio, and heard a song I had not heard before.  I like new music.  I couldn't tell you the artist.  I couldn't tell you the name of the song.  All I remember is that there was one phrase in the chorus that stuck with me.  I don't even remember it verbatim but it basically said, "I'm glad God's love towards me is blind".  I don't know about you but in my rose colored world, blind love is not necessarily the best thing.
My understanding is that this particular artist has the assumption that all the things that separate us from God are overlooked and not even acknowledged by God because of how great the love is for God's people.  This bothers me.  The chasm that separates humanity from creator should not be on so slight of terms.  It is true that the atoning blood of Jesus Christ covers the sin that separates and we are a new creation in Christ.  It is also true that God knows the many ways I have and continue to hurt him through my sinful nature.  He loves so much that he chooses to forgive the grief, pain, hurt, and separative things I've done.  He loves so much that those are set aside.  He does not love blindly.  It would be a contradiction of the nature of God.  How can God be omnipotent and love blindly?  How could Christ share in our humanity if he did not know the things we do?  God is not oblivious to our sin.  He acknowledges it by forgiving us for our folly.

Taking Time

If I had a bucket list for the year before I turned 30, it would include things I had not planned to be on it.  The past two months of my life have been one big tumbler of transition that has emitted itself into various emotions, and a renewed faith that God really does know what He is doing afterall.  There have been many times with friends and family that have filled in the gaps between larger events but in a nutshell,

May 29th  - sing the National Anthem at a Twins baseball game

June 4th - graduate from Bethel Seminary

June 9th - decide to take a new job with DNR Parks and Trails in Bemidji

June 20th - apartment shopping in Bemidji with mom and dad

June 30th - last day of work in St. Paul where I have been for 5 years

July 2nd - fly to Italy for a 2 week vacation with my friend Laura

July 16th - come home from vacation

July 26th - start work in Bemidji

August 6th - finally move all my stuff to a new apartment

Amidst this, my dear friend and roommate has decided to move to Thailand to teach at a missionary school, I got to spend a lovely weekend with my niece, the State of Minnesota shut down for three weeks (thus creating a bit of financial strain), there were birthday parties, goodbye parties, a baby shower, a weekend to just hangout with my family, and the joy of packing.  I abhor packing with a passion but it must be done.

Why am I listing the events of the past two months of my life?  It is not to say "look how busy I have been."   Rather to testify as to "Look what God has done".  I may not completely understand it but I do know it has all been his direction.  If not, I would have collapsed less than half way through.  My world has turned upside down.  From  over scheduled and running on low to not really knowing what to do with myself.  It's a season to wait, reconfigure, and force myself to invent some new habits of the things I love to do but have been pushed off of the daily schedule as deemed not having enough time for.  It's time to make time.

What happened to Hannah's song?

I used to cling to a scripture that said so much for me.  1 Samuel Chapter 2.  Summed up succinctly, "My heart rejoices in the Lord".  I shouldn't say that I don't agree with it and who can oppose the joy of a woman who was the brunt of ridicule, had faith in God for a son, and then proceeded to give him back to the Lord.  Not a small task by any means.  However, the more I learn, the more leaning on simple answers has become problematic for me.  Hannah probably didn't write that song.  She may have used it but it wasn't a song created from her heart.  It was most likely out of a Psalter (hymnal) and was one that she used to proclaim her joy.
I think about this and while I was initially dismayed at the fact that those may not be her exact words flowing from her heart, they were still words that she used.  She would have known them, maybe meditated on them, and been able to use them in a time such as she had.  Maybe someday I will be able to pull out scripture like that.  Have it memorized or so well patterned in my brain that those words would become mine.  Some day.