Here's My Heart

The past few months have been a season of waiting and anticipation, and I'm not even talking about Christmas.  I have always considered myself an individual whose faith is directed more from the heart than from my head.  Despite this natural tendency, I find myself a methodical individual who struggles with ambiguity and maneuvering the unknowns in life.  Three or four months ago I could feel my spirit shifting, bumping against my ministry planning, and creating an internal anxiety that I could not describe.  There was no implicit reason for it.  The music ministry I lead was going well, I enjoyed my full-time job, and there were no obvious reasons to be unsettled in spirit.  God was at work and not knowing what was being worked on was incredibly difficult for me.

Without being a post that has become a personal journal I want to share that sometimes....I don't get how God works.  I love how God works.  But I don't always get it.

We have a God whose plans are bigger than our own.  He directs us where we need to be even when we don't realize it.  That has happened a number of times for me in life and it would stand for reason that I would pick up on it more regularly.  However, me being the human I am, has a knack for forgetting that God really is the one in control.  I am not in control.  I make decisions.  God is the one with the road map.

I have recently found myself coming up to my last Sunday serving at my current church whom I love dearly and preparing for a new ministry, at a new church, with new people.  Nobody drove me away, nobody called me out of the blue.  The spirit prompted and after wandering in my short period of the unknown I knew that this was the right decision.  It was not the easiest decision but amidst my emotions being all over the board, my spirit feels at peace.  Yes, I am nervous to continue to a new church but who doesn't get nervous starting something new?

I wonder sometimes if the sense of peace that transcends when entering into new territory is the same peace that was felt by those who have gone before.  Did Hannah have peace amidst her anxiety of giving her first child Samuel to be a priest?  Did Mary have peace amidst the unknown outcome of carrying Jesus?  Did Paul have peace amidst not knowing if his next location to preach the gospel would allow him to live?  I do take comfort in knowing that our scripture records the stories of men and women of faith that trusted God.  There hearts had become devoted to living lives that trusted the path that was laid before them and may not have always understood how God was working in their lives.  No matter what the unknown is before us whether it seems trivial or significant, God will always being working and guiding through it all. 

Near the beginning of my own journey this fall, I encountered a song that spoke to me in a significant way. Song: Here's My Heart It was so significant for me that I bought a heart necklace for myself as a reminder of how God has my heart.  Naturally, it broke as it was a cheap necklace and I have kept my eyes open for something that might work.  I had yet to find one until I was given a parting gift from my church.  It is a beautiful heart necklace that is perfect.  In so many ways, perfect.  It was not a major life decision but it was a confirmation that God was working through multiple people as I journey forward through my own life decisions.