free of inhibition

I've had a lot of time to think lately.  while I'm in the car, when I'm home from work, when I should be going to bed rather than mulling over the secrets of the universe in my mind.  Someday I might figure them out.  One of the things that has continued to come back to mind was a Sunday morning I spent with my niece this past spring.
She is 6 and a true girl through and through.  The world is pink and is ruled by cuteness and cupcakes.  We had a special weekend, just the two of us.  I don't know what her favorite part of the weekend was but I know what mine was.  We had a bit of a lazy Sunday morning before going to church and while eating our pancakes, and after teaching my beanie babies a ballet lesson, she pops the question.  I don't know if she had been mulling it over or if it was spontaneous but my heart leaped when she asked me, "Why do people raise their hands in church?"  My response, stripped of all the reasons that were running through my mind, "because it's a way that you can praise Jesus".  She accepted that and continued with her pancakes.  No discussion needed.
We drove to church, sat in the back (mostly because I hadn't sat through church with my niece before and didn't know if she would be fine without childrens church)  She proved me wrong.  In fact, I re-learned something that morning.  Just praise Jesus.  He is all that matters.  We had song some songs, prayed, listened to announcements, and then there was one more song before the sermon.  It wasn't a song where you jump around and have a happy Jesus party but rather one that was good to sing just sitting down.  I don't remember it exactly but it was one of the oldie but goodies because it doesn't get pulled out too often.  We sat there with everyone else and sang.  She sat on my lap.  She raised her hands.  No one else was, at first.  There was my niece, sitting on my lap, praising Jesus.
I have to admit that maybe I'm getting more sentimental the older I get but the purity of just praising Jesus hit me that morning through my niece.  I pray that she continues to grow into a godly woman who continues to praise Jesus.  I pray that she doesn't allow all the what if's, doubt, distractions, and traps that Satan lays out there to taint the relationship that has started to grow between her and her Jesus.

Give Me Jesus

God's love is not Blind

I got in my car this morning, turned on the radio, and heard a song I had not heard before.  I like new music.  I couldn't tell you the artist.  I couldn't tell you the name of the song.  All I remember is that there was one phrase in the chorus that stuck with me.  I don't even remember it verbatim but it basically said, "I'm glad God's love towards me is blind".  I don't know about you but in my rose colored world, blind love is not necessarily the best thing.
My understanding is that this particular artist has the assumption that all the things that separate us from God are overlooked and not even acknowledged by God because of how great the love is for God's people.  This bothers me.  The chasm that separates humanity from creator should not be on so slight of terms.  It is true that the atoning blood of Jesus Christ covers the sin that separates and we are a new creation in Christ.  It is also true that God knows the many ways I have and continue to hurt him through my sinful nature.  He loves so much that he chooses to forgive the grief, pain, hurt, and separative things I've done.  He loves so much that those are set aside.  He does not love blindly.  It would be a contradiction of the nature of God.  How can God be omnipotent and love blindly?  How could Christ share in our humanity if he did not know the things we do?  God is not oblivious to our sin.  He acknowledges it by forgiving us for our folly.

Taking Time

If I had a bucket list for the year before I turned 30, it would include things I had not planned to be on it.  The past two months of my life have been one big tumbler of transition that has emitted itself into various emotions, and a renewed faith that God really does know what He is doing afterall.  There have been many times with friends and family that have filled in the gaps between larger events but in a nutshell,

May 29th  - sing the National Anthem at a Twins baseball game

June 4th - graduate from Bethel Seminary

June 9th - decide to take a new job with DNR Parks and Trails in Bemidji

June 20th - apartment shopping in Bemidji with mom and dad

June 30th - last day of work in St. Paul where I have been for 5 years

July 2nd - fly to Italy for a 2 week vacation with my friend Laura

July 16th - come home from vacation

July 26th - start work in Bemidji

August 6th - finally move all my stuff to a new apartment

Amidst this, my dear friend and roommate has decided to move to Thailand to teach at a missionary school, I got to spend a lovely weekend with my niece, the State of Minnesota shut down for three weeks (thus creating a bit of financial strain), there were birthday parties, goodbye parties, a baby shower, a weekend to just hangout with my family, and the joy of packing.  I abhor packing with a passion but it must be done.

Why am I listing the events of the past two months of my life?  It is not to say "look how busy I have been."   Rather to testify as to "Look what God has done".  I may not completely understand it but I do know it has all been his direction.  If not, I would have collapsed less than half way through.  My world has turned upside down.  From  over scheduled and running on low to not really knowing what to do with myself.  It's a season to wait, reconfigure, and force myself to invent some new habits of the things I love to do but have been pushed off of the daily schedule as deemed not having enough time for.  It's time to make time.

What happened to Hannah's song?

I used to cling to a scripture that said so much for me.  1 Samuel Chapter 2.  Summed up succinctly, "My heart rejoices in the Lord".  I shouldn't say that I don't agree with it and who can oppose the joy of a woman who was the brunt of ridicule, had faith in God for a son, and then proceeded to give him back to the Lord.  Not a small task by any means.  However, the more I learn, the more leaning on simple answers has become problematic for me.  Hannah probably didn't write that song.  She may have used it but it wasn't a song created from her heart.  It was most likely out of a Psalter (hymnal) and was one that she used to proclaim her joy.
I think about this and while I was initially dismayed at the fact that those may not be her exact words flowing from her heart, they were still words that she used.  She would have known them, maybe meditated on them, and been able to use them in a time such as she had.  Maybe someday I will be able to pull out scripture like that.  Have it memorized or so well patterned in my brain that those words would become mine.  Some day.