Here's My Heart

The past few months have been a season of waiting and anticipation, and I'm not even talking about Christmas.  I have always considered myself an individual whose faith is directed more from the heart than from my head.  Despite this natural tendency, I find myself a methodical individual who struggles with ambiguity and maneuvering the unknowns in life.  Three or four months ago I could feel my spirit shifting, bumping against my ministry planning, and creating an internal anxiety that I could not describe.  There was no implicit reason for it.  The music ministry I lead was going well, I enjoyed my full-time job, and there were no obvious reasons to be unsettled in spirit.  God was at work and not knowing what was being worked on was incredibly difficult for me.

Without being a post that has become a personal journal I want to share that sometimes....I don't get how God works.  I love how God works.  But I don't always get it.

We have a God whose plans are bigger than our own.  He directs us where we need to be even when we don't realize it.  That has happened a number of times for me in life and it would stand for reason that I would pick up on it more regularly.  However, me being the human I am, has a knack for forgetting that God really is the one in control.  I am not in control.  I make decisions.  God is the one with the road map.

I have recently found myself coming up to my last Sunday serving at my current church whom I love dearly and preparing for a new ministry, at a new church, with new people.  Nobody drove me away, nobody called me out of the blue.  The spirit prompted and after wandering in my short period of the unknown I knew that this was the right decision.  It was not the easiest decision but amidst my emotions being all over the board, my spirit feels at peace.  Yes, I am nervous to continue to a new church but who doesn't get nervous starting something new?

I wonder sometimes if the sense of peace that transcends when entering into new territory is the same peace that was felt by those who have gone before.  Did Hannah have peace amidst her anxiety of giving her first child Samuel to be a priest?  Did Mary have peace amidst the unknown outcome of carrying Jesus?  Did Paul have peace amidst not knowing if his next location to preach the gospel would allow him to live?  I do take comfort in knowing that our scripture records the stories of men and women of faith that trusted God.  There hearts had become devoted to living lives that trusted the path that was laid before them and may not have always understood how God was working in their lives.  No matter what the unknown is before us whether it seems trivial or significant, God will always being working and guiding through it all. 

Near the beginning of my own journey this fall, I encountered a song that spoke to me in a significant way. Song: Here's My Heart It was so significant for me that I bought a heart necklace for myself as a reminder of how God has my heart.  Naturally, it broke as it was a cheap necklace and I have kept my eyes open for something that might work.  I had yet to find one until I was given a parting gift from my church.  It is a beautiful heart necklace that is perfect.  In so many ways, perfect.  It was not a major life decision but it was a confirmation that God was working through multiple people as I journey forward through my own life decisions.

Life Lessons from a cat

I'm  not really quite sure why it was thought of as a good idea that I have a cat but when my sister called and told me the sad tale of the stray that wouldn't leave her house; I couldn't really say no.  Best and worst decision ever.  I now have the obligation of responsibility for another creature in my home.  I now have somebody that needs me every day.  I now have someone who throws her fur up my nose every night.  She's a bit of a diva and loves her canned kitty food along with sitting on any piece off furniture that suits her mood.  Especially my favorite chair.  If you sit in it, you now get a little look of disdain thrown your way. 
Despite our silent chair dispute, we get along quite well, too well.  It's only been three weeks and she understands what I often forget.  It's okay to love and let others love you.  Typically I'm okay with the loving something/someone else piece.  It's the letting others love that I struggle with.  She has forced herself into my world with kitty nudges and purring.  She is incessant and refuses to be ignored when I need some love.  It's a two way relationship.  I pet her, she nudges me, I scratch her, she gives me a tummy massage, etc., etc. And when I come home not realizing that I need some love, she's right at my heels waiting for me to sit or lay down so she can shower me with kitty kisses and her love rumble. 


The snuggling culprit in action as I type

Why is any of this significant you ask?  It's a pet, woohoo.  As a single adult I forget the importance of letting people love and take care of me.  Especially when I don't think I need it.  Day in and day out you do everything by yourself.  If you don't take care of something, it's not going to magically happen on it's own.  I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that I'm not the only one who forgets.  It is much too easy to go through life enjoying people, enjoying their company, and not really allowing them to see you as a vulnerable person, that state of being where one really needs someone else.  Vulnerability is a daunting word that in a society where we run in and out of church on Sunday, gather at meetings, rush to get home, go back and forth to work, and over schedule our lives, we don't give it an opportunity to even emerge because it takes time.  It takes time to intentionally be with people.  It takes time to sit and listen to a God who has the time to listen to our vulnerability.  It takes time to let others understand oneself.  It takes time to cultivate the trust of kitty kisses.   I don't know what the equivalent is in human terms.  Maybe it's hugs.